The Words shared by My Father Which Helped Me when I became a New Dad

"I think I was simply in survival mode for the first year."

Former reality TV cast member Ryan Libbey expected to handle the demands of fatherhood.

Yet the actual experience soon turned out to be "completely different" to what he'd imagined.

Serious health problems during the birth caused his partner Louise being hospitalised. All of a sudden he was pushed into acting as her chief support while also caring for their newborn son Leo.

"I was doing all the nights, every change… each outing. The duty of mother and father," Ryan stated.

After eleven months he reached burnout. That was when a talk with his father, on a park bench, that helped him see he needed help.

The straightforward phrases "You are not in a good spot. You require assistance. What can I do to help you?" created an opening for Ryan to speak honestly, ask for help and find a way back.

His experience is far from unique, but rarely discussed. Although people is now more accustomed to talking about the strain on moms and about post-natal depression, not enough is spoken about the challenges dads go through.

Seeking help isn't a weakness to request support'

Ryan believes his challenges are linked to a broader reluctance to communicate between men, who still internalise negative ideas of what it means to be a man.

Men, he says, often feel they must be "the harbour wall that just gets hit and remains standing with each wave."

"It is not a display of failure to request help. I failed to do that soon enough," he explains.

Therapist Dr Jill Domoney, a expert who studies mental health before and after childbirth, says men often don't want to admit they're finding things difficult.

They can think they are "not the right person to be seeking help" - particularly ahead of a mother and child - but she stresses their mental state is vitally important to the unit.

Ryan's conversation with his dad gave him the opportunity to request a break - taking a short trip away, separate from the home environment, to gain perspective.

He understood he required a shift to consider his and his partner's emotional states alongside the practical tasks of taking care of a newborn.

When he was honest with Louise, he discovered he'd failed to notice "what she needed" -reassuring touch and paying attention to her words.

Self-parenting

That insight has reshaped how Ryan views being a dad.

He's now composing Leo regular notes about his journey as a dad, which he aspires his son will read as he grows up.

Ryan hopes these will help his son better understand the language of feelings and make sense of his decisions as a father.

The notion of "reparenting" is something artist Professor Green - whose name is Stephen Manderson - has also strongly identified with since fathering his son Slimane, who is now four years old.

During his childhood Stephen did not have stable male parenting. Even with having an "amazing" bond with his dad, profound difficult experiences meant his father struggled to cope and was "coming and going" of his life, complicating their relationship.

Stephen says repressing emotions led him to make "poor choices" when in his youth to change how he was feeling, seeking comfort in alcohol and substances as an escape from the anguish.

"You gravitate to substances that don't help," he notes. "They can briefly alter how you feel, but they will in the end cause more harm."

Advice for Getting By as a New Father

• Talk to someone - if you're feeling swamped, confide in a family member, your other half or a professional what you're going through. It can help to reduce the stress and make you feel less alone.
• Keep up your interests - keep doing the things that made you feel like you before having a baby. This might be exercising, socialising or a favourite hobby.
• Don't ignore the body - nutritious food, staying active and where possible, sleep, all contribute in how your emotional health is coping.
• Spend time with other parents in the same boat - sharing their stories, the messy ones, along with the positive moments, can help to validate how you're feeling.
• Remember that seeking help is not failure - prioritising you is the most effective way you can support your family.

When his father later died by suicide, Stephen expectedly struggled to accept the passing, having not spoken to him for years.

As a dad now, Stephen's determined not to "continue the chain" with his child and instead offer the stability and emotional support he lacked.

When his son is about to have a meltdown, for example, they try "releasing the emotion" together - processing the frustrations safely.

Both Ryan and Stephen explain they have become improved and more well-rounded men since they confronted their pain, transformed how they communicate, and learned to control themselves for their sons.

"I have improved at… sitting with things and dealing with things," states Stephen.

"I expressed that in a note to Leo recently," Ryan shares. "I wrote, sometimes I think my role is to teach and advise you how to behave, but actually, it's a two-way conversation. I'm learning as much as you are through this experience."