🔗 Share this article Balancing the Desire for Spontaneous Intimacy While Seeking a Meaningful Relationship Being a gay man approaching 50, my life has involved numerous, largely enjoyable years pursuing casual sex with other men from my teenage years. During my fourth decade, I was in a serious relationship which continued for a significant period, but it never fully satisfied me, because I felt neither loved nor intimately fulfilled. The fact is that my constant desire has been for casual sex. Every time I begin seeing a potential partner, once the newness dwindles, I always get the urge to have sex with new partners once more. Questioning the Possibility of Exclusive Commitment Currently, I'm contemplating if I’ll ever be able to maintain a monogamous relationship. I understand that many homosexual males have open relationships, but when I’ve witnessed them, they have seemed like hard work, frequently causing lots of heartache and envy for everyone involved. To a large extent, I desire a partner to love me while allowing me to pursue other intimacies, but I fear the psychological toll this would cause. Should I just continue to have spontaneous encounters and acknowledge that a long-term relationship is not possible? I feel a bit lost. Every person’s intimate path fluctuates. Try not to think of your relationship needs or your capacity to tolerate various forms of intimate connections in a finite way. Your needs in your current state may well change down the road; eventually you might become more decisive and discover greater understanding and a comfortable path … or not. At some point you might meet someone offering a transformative opportunity for you by reflecting what you want in a holistic fashion … and at another point you may choose that casual connections are best for you. Fretting over the future and engaging in endless speculation is merely rooted in fear and a waste of your efforts. Aim to stay present in your relationships, and see the worth of every individual with whom you might have a sexual connection. When and if the time is right to strengthen genuine closeness with one partner, it will be clear. Pamela Stephenson Connolly practices as a American therapy professional who specialises in addressing sexual disorders.